Stuck in the Mud

It's kind of gloomy at our house today, with overcast skies and cranky kids. The weather forecast is for rain. And I feel exhausted.

Sigh.

On days like this I am encumbered by vague, heavy emotion. I can't get any traction. The laundry piles up, the dishwasher overflows. This downheartedness draws me to food. Eating is something I can do right now to mentally get out of my situation, kind of like a mini-vacation. Food won't talk back, won't reject me, won't require that I do anything for it. So I find myself eating leftover animal crackers from Norah's plate, snitching slicks of whatever looks appealing without even meaning to.

For me, most of this unintentional eating happens in a dreamlike state. I'm aware of what my body is doing but someone else is operating the remote control. When I finally snap back into reality the damage has already been done.

No matter what I do, I can't seem to pull myself up enough to end these out-of-body experiences. I've been thinking about why these strange experiences happen to me to begin with. At first I came up with nothing. This is just the way I am and I have to live with it. But the more I thought about it, the more excuses I found. Things like:

• I am the mother of two small kids. I deserve some type of treat.
• I don't have the time or money to take care of myself.
• I can't overcome my childhood eating habits.

Could you add your own line? Maybe it has nothing to do with eating, but it has everything to do with feeling like a victim. Fill in the blanks:

I do ______________ because of ____________.


That, my friends, is an excuse. It saps all of the power you might have right out of you. You're left feeling dejected, powerless, guilty.


My First Place Bible study is audacious enough to suggest that an excuse is just a lie disguised as a reason. That's blunt (and rude?!) I couldn't believe my Bible Study was calling me a liar. But sometimes shock therapy is the only way to get the message across.

Consequently, I nixed the idea of wallowing in excuses. Instead, I've spent many hours reflecting and praying about what's going on in my mind. Beth Moore's book, Get Out of That Pit has been enormously helpful. So far this is what I've got:

• I like to be naughty. I like the taste of ice cream. I don't want to give that up.
  
• It's hard work to do the right thing all of the time. I can't do it on my own and that hurts my pride.
  
• I don't want to miss out on anything. Satan's famous lie: If you do it God's way you'll miss out on something great (ie: the apple in the Garden.)
  
• I'm looking for help in the wrong places. I've looked to my husband, exercise, and weight watchers to be my savior in all of this. They've all let me down because they are all human.

Beth Moore gives some hope when she writes, "You can get out (of your pit). Regardless of whether you were thrown in (to your circumstances), you slipped in , or you jumped in, you can get out. And I do mean you. I'm not talking about the person who seems to deal with her pits better than you do. We don't need to deal with our pits. We need to get out of our pits. You can do it. Even if you have a history of failed attempts. Even if you don't think you deserve it. Even if you've never lived anywhere else.

But here's the catch: you can't get yourself out. Try as you might, you will never successfully pull yourself out of a pit (91)."

She goes on to explain that people may help us with our problems for a time but they always fail us in the end. She urges us to look to God as our one and only Savior. And the reason we can trust him is found in the New Testament.

Phillipians 1:6 asks us to be "...confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

God is going to stick with me. Where others will crumble when I call on them, God will be there. When I'm having a downer day, God won't look at me as a smile-smasher and run the other way. He stays. He talks. He listens. All I need to do is remember to reach out and be part of the conversation.

I am working on memory verses so that in a time of testing I will be able to hear him and draw on his strength and power. I've tried for many years on my own. It's God's turn. I'm tired of trying to do it alone. Now, I just have to work on that little thing called faith.