Fat Pants, Skinny Wallet

I've noticed a correlation between my waistline and my bottom line. You might think that I mean my wallet gets lighter and I get heavier because of all of the food I buy. That might be partly true, but that's not what I'm getting at.

Let me explain.

I'm a real Dave Ramsey fan. If you're not familiar, he's a real money and budget guru. His advice includes things like "act your wage," and he regularly counsels people to cut up credit cards and stay on a budget.

So there are months where my husband and I religiously hold budget meetings, watch every dollar, and have discussions about major upcoming expenses. These aren't easy, but we do it.

Do you know what I've found? It's during these times of living by the budget that I'm most successful with my eating goals. The rebellious gene in me is temporarily switched off and I'm able to be the "good girl," doing all the right things. This is when my wallet gets fat and I can wear the skinny pants.

But then something happens to derail me. It usually isn't obvious. It's something little, like buying an extra pair of earrings off the clearance rack. Hey, they were a good deal. It was only a few dollars. I'll wear them all the time. I deserve them, I've been so good lately! Slip. Slide. Those excuses mask my change of heart. I'm in denial until it's too late. By the time I realize what's happened, all of the boundaries in my life have been loosened. Where I used to measure food exactly, now I eyeball it or don't even bother to measure at all. Pretty soon the budget is a piece of paper to be ignored. Every day a little bit more of my resolve erodes until I've shopped my way back to a skinny wallet and eaten my way back into fat pants.

Do you know that I've only been able to put the brakes on this crazy ride with the help of our One and Only?

Psalm 121:1-3
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber

How perfect is the imagery in this Psalm! When I'm in my fat pants I'm definitely down in every sense of the word. In a hole, ready to curl up in a ball and give up. Hope is scarce. But when I lift my eyes up I can see a bit of light peeking in. And then I remember God is with me even when I'm in a hole.

After he's pulled me up from the hole, this is what I feel happens next: he takes my head in his hands and looks me straight in the eye. "Remember, sweet one, that there is still a hole here. Just because you aren't in it anymore doesn't mean that it's gone away. Really, time is just going to erode the edges and make it bigger. You'd do best to put up a big fence and just stay away from it all together. And by the way, remember when I said I was watching over you? That's still real. And I'm not going to let you fall back in that hole. I keep watch 24/7. The only way you're going to fall back in is if you ditch me and try to do this on your own."

And so God has saved me from a few trips back down. Mainly he does this by giving me verses that speak truth at monstrous decibels. When I'm obedient and in his word, he is like the Queen's Guards at Buckingham Palace...ever watching and protecting. It's only when I ditch him and do my own thing that I stumble, slip, and slide back into that hole. I'm finding my trips down to be less frequent in occurrence and duration, and that's wonderful because I'm learning that life outside of the hole is much more rich!

A Firm Foundation

Yesterday I started with a red necklace. I put that on first. I easily found a white blouse to go with it. But then the bottoms. What should I wear on my bottom half? In my undies I walked from closet to dresser to laundry basket (yes, a lot of my clothes get worn strait from the clean laundry pile!) Nothing. My favorite capris were in the wash. I didn't feel like wearing a skirt. I could imagine all sorts of clothes I would like to wear. The problem was I didn't own any of them. Finally I settled on a pair of little worn khaki crop pants. They would do nicely. A little make-up, a brush through the hair, some new Merrel Sandals, and I was off.

That was relatively painless, but I have a strange habit of dressing around my accessories. I'll pick out a necklace or something and work from that. But then there are the days I start with my bra. I'll grab one of my bras and put it on, not thinking of the color until it's too late. The other day it was black. Black is a very limiting color for a bra! And I have this stubborn streak that says, "Once you put on a bra, you don't take it off." So what happens next? I rummage through my piles pulling out anything that might work, trying and tossing the clothes into a new pile. It's a lot of work to match your clothes when you're committed to your foundation. (I feel a God analogy coming on...if we have God as our firm foundation that means it's going to be a bit more difficult to find things that "fit" our lives in this world. I mean, we dress from the inside out with God, rather than from the outside in!).


I finally donned a brown and black patterned tank. And then it was onto the pants. I have issues with pants. We don't usually get along. I think it's because I've never been in love with all of the parts of my body that pants cover. So to find a pair of pants that fits and feels well is almost a miracle. It's a daily challenge for me to walk out of my dressing area and declare myself "good enough." For years I would berate myself in front of the mirror, cutting down any imperfection. But God's been working on me. I'm a lot nicer to myself than I used to be. I used to have a closet full of clothes that would look stylish on me when I lost 10 pounds. Now I have a closet with clothes that I actually enjoy wearing right now. I used to degrade myself, thinking that was accomplishing something. Now I look in the mirror and, while still critical, think about all the wonderful things God has done with my body. It birthed 2 children. It rode 800 miles across Australia. It keeps up with a spitfire 15 month old. To God be the glory, he gave me good health and an active life. And this body, decorated or not, is the vehicle that is taking the ride.

Find some things about your body that have done great things. Thank God for them. Find some pretty clothes. Wear your nice things to more than just special occasions. Create your own special occasions if you need to. We have more control over how we feel about our bodies than we realize.

Type A Personality

Boy, was I in for it. First born child, people-pleaser, perfectionist, you name the stereotype, I fit it. Ever busy working hard, serving God, and generally being a good person, I was busy. And then I had a baby. Specifically, a jaundiced baby with acid reflux who refused to nurse or sleep. But he didn't refuse to cry. Nope, he excelled at that! And amidst all of this crying and Zantac, I lost myself. In retrospect it's easy to see that I had postpartum depression, but at the time I refused to acknowledge that I was in trouble. After all, I was the girl who could do it all. And really, how hard could taking care of a baby be? Before he was born I had it all planned out. My life wouldn't change that much.

You're probably laughing your head off right now. My life wouldn't change that much! Ha! I was so naive. Nothing was the same about my life. Even my body was unrecognizable. Pre-baby, I would make lists, check things off that I accomplished, and feel good about myself. Now it seemed that nothing got checked off. My life as I knew it was gone, and I was having an awful time adjusting.

Looking back, I see now that God was using that time to pull down some pretty hefty walls I had built between Him and me. Busyness was one, approval from others was another. At the time I just felt miserable and thought I was pretty useless, but now I know that those were critical times in my relationship with God. It was during those times that I had to learn to be alone. It was in the loneliness of new mommy-hood that I really started to find Him. Isn't that a kicker? God had to give me kids to slow me down enough so I would hear him.

Maybe you noticed the motto I put on the blog. It's living life to the fullness God intended. It was after Ethan was born that I realized my life could be full in ways I never imagined.

Ephesians 3:17-19
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

And so, as I learn more about the ways God can fill me up, I pray the same for you. Don't settle. In your heart somewhere there is an area longing for something. Maybe it's a God-hole, just aching for him to fill it with some of his special, magical lovin'.

Hands Down

Tomorrow I will worship at my regular place. I love the church. I love the people. I love the Godly messages. And the praise music is upbeat, helping me tune into the Lord.

Tomorrow I will want to raise my hands in praise to the Lord, but I'll hold back. That's not how I was raised. That's not what 98% of the congregation is doing. My husband standing next to me might get weirded out.

But there has to be something to this. I mean, every few weeks I feel nudged to put my hands in the air to praise God. Really, what's the big deal? I'm sure God's not going to say, "No heaven for you!" if I don't do it. But I think it's different than that. I think God wants me to put myself on the line, put myself out there for him. To him, it means that I care more about him and what he wants me to do than what I think others think of me.

Psalm 86:11 (New International Version)
Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

It's this whole undivided heart business that we're working on. So pray for me that I wouldn't hold back, that I'd raise my hands proudly to God and proclaim his praises in the morning.

Link up with me

Hi friends,

Many of you know that I consider this blog to be a ministry. If you know of anyone who would enjoy reading it, please send them an email telling them about mamamelody@blogspot.com

Also, if you have a web page, I'd appreciate it if you'd put a link to my site there.

I pray that this site would be an encouragement to you and all who visit.

God Bless,

Melody

Lost in the Cereal

More and more I'm finding myself writing between 10pm and midnight. Not my prime creative hours, by any means. I'm much better right after a good morning shower, where ideas percolate in my head like an old-fashioned cup of coffee. But, as moms everywhere will attest, "me" time is often better known as "left-over time." So while my glorious husband tidied up the kitchen, I worked on writing for a website I'm making.

I was pretty tired, so my reflexes were dull. It took me awhile to register him standing next to me. Looking up, I heard him say, "Were you tired this morning?" My first thought was something like, "I can't remember that far back. Don't interrupt me!"

And then he put an orange juice carton under my nose. "I found this in the cereal cupboard."

I had no recollection of drinking orange juice, or even putting OJ out for the kids. The words came naturally, "I didn't do it. Maybe one of the kids put it in there."

Hubby willingly added, "It was way in the back of the cupboard."

Okay, maybe I had put it there. Lousy memory plagues me even on my best days. So to remember something on a tired day? Yeah, right!

"I guess I could've done it. I don't remember."

So then my Dutch husband asked the obvious Dutch question, "Do you think it's still good?"

And while I have no Dutch bones in my body, ten years of marriage and two kids has conditioned me well for these moments. (Plus, having left a few sippy cups of juice in the van for longer than recommended has yielded expertise in the juice expiration field.) "If it was just there since this morning, it's probably still good. Our house is air conditioned," I added helpfully.

Before my slow senses could comprehend, he had the top off the juice, took a sniff and then a gulp. "Yeah, it's still good." And hubby walked off and put the juice back in the fridge.

What he still doesn't know is that, now that I'm fully awake, I realize I didn't put the juice there yesterday. Nope. I'm almost certain we didn't drink OJ yesterday at all. But the day before we drank plenty!

Diets Don't Work

Quiz time!

Q: What was the first recorded diet?

A: The all-you-can-eat except the apple diet.

God put this restriction on the apple. You know what happened. Adam and Eve couldn't resist. It was so tempting. Had to have it. There will never be another one like that. Why doesn't God want me to enjoy myself? I deserve it. So, they ate the forbidden fruit.

And we've been eating forbidden food ever since. Think about it. What does a kid do when you tell him not to jump on the furniture? Have a bouncing on the bed party! When something is forbidden our minds dwell on it all the more. And what is a diet? A list of food that you cannot have. They're forbidden. And we think: If I don't eat such-and-such, then I'm a better person. I may be fat, but at least I'm working on it and have some self-control.

Yeah, right.

Then darkness falls and no one is watching and you're pulling out all of the food that was on the "X" list, eating in secret and feeling 100% lousy.

Diets don't work.

How many diets have you tried? Did some give you moderate weight loss? Did the weight stay away?

If you're most people, you've been on more diets that you can count, had a little weight loss at some point, but gained all of it back and more. And maybe you're at the point of throwing in the towel. And to that I say, good!

Really, I was there. I had tried to exercise away my extra pounds, tried diet after diet, and nothing. I felt cheated. I spent so much time and energy planning how I was going to get the weight off and then never got the pay day.

If not a diet, then what? Give up and eat anything you want in copious amounts? Just let yourself go? Absolutely not. Instead, how about treating the source? If you're like me, your relationship with food is just a symptom of an overwhelmed, ignored heart. I'm on this journey, too, right now, and by reading this blog, you're joining me on that journey. Part of my healing has been to share what I'm learning.

What I've learned so far:

1. Me-bashing is a waste of time. Do you call yourself names when you look in the mirror? Do you talk down to yourself when you don't meet your expectations? Is guilt a resident in your heart? Maybe you don't even realize you're doing it. Next time you're getting dressed, try talking out loud. Everything that goes through your mind, say it. You're probably not going to like what you hear. That's the point. Stop being mean to yourself. No where does God give brownie points for self-degradation. Learn to be gentle with yourself.
   
2. Misplaced the gentle gene? This is where God comes in. Why do we think that all of the passages in the Bible about love only apply to us loving others and God loving us? Lost is the message that we are to love ourselves, too. And when your heart is heavy and calling you fat and ugly, remember that God is greater than our hearts (1 John 3:20).
   

   1 John 3:18-20
   

   Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.
3. Be patient with yourself and God. He will show up if you do, and he will do things differently than you ever expected, but it will be good. In the meantime, start participating in the life that God has given you today. Don't sit on the sidelines when everyone else is swimming because you don't want to show your thighs. Don't let another summer go by with you kids not knowing you love to play volleyball. Stop saying no and start saying yes.
   
4. Tune Out. Consciously ignore the messages that society throttles you with. Turn off the TV. Stop reading Cosmo. Replace that time with other stuff that feeds your heart...reading the Bible, hobbies you love, family time, etc. Recognize that you get to decide what messages come in and which ones you'll believe.

The list goes on, but I have to save some more for later :)

Seriously, I pray that you will find peace with food, your body, and your place in God's world. And even if you think I've just written a bunch of baloney, pray it over. Find some quiet and sit with this. I have faith that God can bring good out of anything, even baloney.

Boundaries

Kids need boundaries. You've heard that, no doubt, if you stay current with parenting gurus. Kids push the limits because they want to know they're safe. They want to know you care enough to set limits.


In this Norah, 14 months, is definitely a "normal" child. She's great at boundary testing. Actually, she's gone pro. (I wonder if the all-star salary will follow? :) Nod your head if you've experienced a toddler wrenching her body away from you so she can get down and go, even if it does involve a long fall down. Her independence is comical at times, though. Yesterday she was sweeping the floor with her kiddie broom while I worked the grown-up version. Then Ethan had to go potty, so she followed him into the bathroom. Three seconds later I found her stirring the toilet water with her broom. Yuck!


"No, Norah!"


That tag line follows so many actions these days. Then come the tears, the comforting, the redirection. And I got to thinking, this is a lot like how grown-ups act with God.


We need boundaries, too. But you're not going to find many who'll admit it. Have you ever seen a kid asking to have less candy, or asking for his toys to be taken away? It's just not human nature. And the problem is, there is nobody to tell us adults that we're out of line. Imagine if someone told you to cool it- you'd give 'em a piece of your mind or ax that acquaintance.


I'm just coming off of a week without boundaries. Vacation. No kids. No bedtime. Just me and hubby in romantic Quebec City. A vacation is a time when you can follow your whims, do as your heart desires, right?


Then how come I felt so lousy on day #4?


In retrospect, that was the day I stopped doing my devotions. Day #4 was the day I got on my husband's nerves and had to pull out the 'ol PMS defense to get some sympathy. I let my boundaries slide. Back home, God and I were in a good place. Bible reading, devotions, prayer, reflection. These all helped keep my mind focused on him. But out of the routine it was hard to stay focused. I found myself coming up with excuses to skip the devos. And when I follow my feelings I get in trouble.


So I spent today getting back in with God. He got to hear it all. Psalm 145:18 says, "the Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."


God has drawn lines in my life. Don't step over these or else...time out! And for this grown-up mama, a time-out means a tired, over-whelmed body. But when I call on God and we let it all out everything gets put into perspective. Suddenly priorities are dramatically changed and energy is renewed.


So the next time I'm blessed to have a vacation I'm taking God with me every step of the way.